"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
Conflict in any marriage is inevitable. Anyone going into a marriage who thinks their relationship will be one of endless, unbroken marital bliss will soon be disappointed.
You will fight. Just accept that as an axiom, that which can not be proven but must be accepted as true. Once you've gotten past that simple fact you can get down to what's important, and learn how to fight. Excuse me, how to disagree.
And no, I don't mean get a longer foil than his and take fencing lessons. In his classic work "The Art of War" Sun-Tzu writes, "who wishes to fight must first count the cost."
Like any civilized battle ground there must be rules of engagement. While conflict in a relationship is going to happen, everyone involved needs to keep their anger in check. Remember who it is that you are disagreeing with. Remember you love them. Remember the bigger picture. Remember what lawyers get per hour.
So if you think your anger may get the best of you because of "that odor" left in the bathroom again take 3 deep breaths (after stepping outside). Then think for a minute about what life would really be like without her.
Women, same advice. As Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love" wrote, "You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words."
In game theory there is the concept of a "zero sum" game. One person wins (+1) and one person loses (-1). There is no room in marital bliss for zero sum games.
It's important you don't get me wrong here. From time to time each partner in a marriage will need to give in on some detail or another. My real point here is this; if you are keeping score you've got trouble.
So both of you, get off your high horse.
Begin with trying to find a compromise. You'll be surprised how often, and how quickly, you'll be able to find one if you just put forth a little bit of effort.
And it does get easier. With time you begin to learn better what is important to each of you. You learn when, how, and why each of you are willing to compromise.
As an example, I am without a doubt the worst person in the world to shop with. I hate shopping. I want to get into the store, find what I came for, and get out of town. My wife loves to shop. She literally loves spending hours looking at every the items on the shelves, just to see what's there.
The compromise, when possible and practical I will drop my wife at the store and I head out with my camera to shoot. See you in 3 hours dear, have fun.
It doesn't always work, and no compromise is perfect. For those occasions when I do shop with her we both try to be more understanding of each others feelings. When there is time I try to be more patient, and when time is short she tries to minimize her shopping around time.
There is a warning here. If either of you is unwilling to give in from time to time then you need to seek help. No one can last forever in a relationship feeling they are the only one to give in. And it really doesn't matter if that feeling is justified or not.
Remember how that habit of hers to twirl her hair around her finger used to make you melt, and now it makes you burn? Get over it. That habit of yours to let lose a deadly plume akin to mustard gas after eating nachos with extra peppers isn't the easiest thing in the world to deal with either.
If you truly love each other you find ways to accept little things that may seem annoying at first. Just let go of the idea that you have to be right, and grab onto something more important.
Love means no one cares who wins, so everyone does.
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