Love, Marriage, and Other War Games

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."  - Katharine Hepburn

 

Conflict in any marriage is inevitable. Anyone going into a marriage who thinks their relationship will be one of endless, unbroken marital bliss will soon be disappointed.

 

You will fight.  Just accept that as an axiom, that which can not be proven but must be accepted as true. Once you've gotten past that simple fact you can get down to what's important, and learn how to fight.  Excuse me, how to disagree.

 

And no, I don't mean get a longer foil than his and take fencing lessons.  In his classic work "The Art of War" Sun-Tzu writes, "who wishes to fight must first count the cost."

 

Like any civilized battle ground there must be rules of engagement.  While conflict in a relationship is going to happen, everyone involved needs to keep their anger in check.  Remember who it is that you are disagreeing with. Remember you love them.  Remember the bigger picture.  Remember what lawyers get per hour.

 

So if you think your anger may get the best of you because of "that odor" left in the bathroom again take 3 deep breaths (after stepping outside). Then think for a minute about what life would really be like without her.

 

Women, same advice. As Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love" wrote, "You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words."

 

In game theory there is the concept of a "zero sum" game.  One person wins (+1) and one person loses (-1).  There is no room in marital bliss for zero sum games.

 

It's important you don't get me wrong here.  From time to time each partner in a marriage will need to give in on some detail or another.  My real point here is this; if you are keeping score you've got trouble.

 

So both of you, get off your high horse. 

 

Begin with trying to find a compromise.  You'll be surprised how often, and how quickly, you'll be able to find one if you just put forth a little bit of effort.

 

And it does get easier.  With time you begin to learn better what is important to each of you.  You learn when, how, and why each of you are willing to compromise.

 

As an example, I am without a doubt the worst person in the world to shop with.  I hate shopping.  I want to get into the store, find what I came for, and get out of town.  My wife loves to shop.  She literally loves spending hours looking at every the items on the shelves, just to see what's there.

 

The compromise, when possible and practical I will drop my wife at the store and I head out with my camera to shoot.  See you in 3 hours dear, have fun.

 

It doesn't always work, and no compromise is perfect.  For those occasions when I do shop with her we both try to be more understanding of each others feelings.  When there is time I try to be more patient, and when time is short she tries to minimize her shopping around time.

 

There is a warning here.  If either of you is unwilling to give in from time to time then you need to seek help.  No one can last forever in a relationship feeling they are the only one to give in. And it really doesn't matter if that feeling is justified or not.

 

Remember how that habit of hers to twirl her hair around her finger used to make you melt, and now it makes you burn?  Get over it.  That habit of yours to let lose a deadly plume akin to mustard gas after eating nachos with extra peppers isn't the easiest thing in the world to deal with either.

 

If you truly love each other you find ways to accept little things that may seem annoying at first.  Just let go of the idea that you have to be right, and grab onto something more important.

 

Love means no one cares who wins, so everyone does.

Valentine

For Mama Bear

I saw the moon shining,

It adorned the sky.

Her silvery light invited me.

I heard the bird singing,

It filled the moment.

Her song enticed me.

I smelled the flower blooming,

It spiced the air.

Her smell enraptured me.

I tasted raindrops on my tongue,

It salted creation.

Her taste satiated me.

I touched the moist soil of the earth,

It nourished the world.

Her warmth enveloped me.

Shine your smile upon me,

And I shall be happy.

Sing your songs for me,

And I shall be joyful.

Wear perfumes for me,

And I shall be yours.

Cry on my shoulder,

And I shall comfort you.

Touch me,

And I shall be blessed.

My love,

My soul,

My salvation.

Light the Candle

 

“It is better to light one candle then to curse the darkness.” 

- Eleanor Roosevelt

This is one of those quotes that can be ascribed to many sources.  Eleanor Roosevelt gets credit for it in this form.  Adlai Stevenson said “She would rather light a candle than curse the darkness …” in a tribute to her.  In it’s oldest form it’s a Chinese proverb,  and it is often mistaken for a Bible verse.

It's an easy thing to do, cursing the darkness.  For many people it's their go to reaction. 

Another old saying is everyone complains about the weather, but no one does anything about it.  And politics.  And traffic cameras.  And hunger, and diseases, and homelessness.  And hip-hop music.

Many people don't think they can change the world, and the truth is they are right.  No single person can change the world.  Not Obama.  Not Pope Francis.  Not Justin Bieber.

What they can change is one small corner of the world. 

No one expects you to change the world.  After all, if Justin Bieber can't do it how could anyone expect you to change the world?  Cure hunger?  Cure homelessness?  Cure the heartbreak of onion breath?  I think not!

What you can change is one small corner of the world. And that's enough. 

Don't try to feed the multitudes.  You can't and if you try to do so you'll just get frustrated and give up.  And soon you'll be cursing the darkness.

Can you feed a few hungry people?  You don't even have to cook.  There are many reputable charities that will do it for you, they have a recipe book.  If you belong to a church ask your minister or pastor what charities the church is associated with.  If not, just send Justin Bieber an email.  Or tweet him.

Can you drop a few quarters into the Salvation Army Red Kettle at Christmas time?  Of course you can.  And maybe that will make the incessant ringing tolerable.

Can you end war?  Can you bring peace to the universe, and stop the Death Star? 

Don't be silly. 

What you can do is smile at 10 people.  And each of those 10 people will smile at 10 more people. And each of those 100 people will smile at 10 people.  And each of those 1,000 people will smile at 10 people.

See where this is going?  One small act of charity, one small act of kindness, one small candle lights one small corner of the world.  And if enough people light up their corner of the world, all the world will be ablaze with hope. 

Even Justin Bieber can do that.

No Ifs, Ands, Or Butts

 

“Avoid using cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs as an alternative to being an interesting person.”  - Marilyn Vos Savant

Cigarettes. 

Now, if you’re a smoker, don’t worry.  I’m not going to take this space to convince you to quit.  You already know you should.  All I can do is tell a tale about what quitting was like for me.

If ever there was such a thing as a love/hate relationship it’s the relationship between a smoker and their tobacco of choice.  Cigarette, cigar, pipe, or hookah.

That was certainly the way it was for me.  And, if truth be told, still is in a way.  It has now been about seven months since I’ve had a cigarette.  No cigarette, no nicotine patch, no nicotine gum, no nicotine suppositories.  Nada.

Don’t get me wrong.  I certainly don’t regret that I quit smoking.  My breathing is better, my sense of taste is better.  And even my sense of smell is better, which is itself a mixed blessing.

Yet I still need to be honest here.  There are times when I get a craving for a smoke.  For example when driving through bad traffic, or driving through good traffic.  After a heavy meal or after a light meal.  Oddly however never during a meal.

Part of the difficulty for me in quitting came from how long I was a smoker.  For most of some 43 years I smoked.  Of all the things in my life smoking was the most constant, the most dependable thing of all.  It was an old friend, always there for me when I needed it.

One odd thing for me is that I started smoking in Boy Scouts.  The troop I was in (briefly) back in Michigan had an assistant troop leader who was the acting troop leader. If memory serves the official leader had recently passed away. 

The assistant was only a college kid, far too young and immature to be responsible for a group of impressionable young boys.  He would buy packs of cigarettes for the kids.  That was back around 1970, when smoking was still largely acceptable and "cool."

This was also the troop where I learned you can light your farts on fire, but that's for another blog.

When I got married the first time I tried to quit.  I'd say I was pretty successful at it a number of times. 

After I started to work at a convenience store I started smoking again for the 10th or 11th time, and this time there was no going back.  Standing behind a cash register at 3 am tends to make one a little nervous, and standing next to a rack full of smokes was just too much.

After the divorce there was little reason for me to quit, other than that slowly dying thing.  Cigarettes became my constant companion.  Even more, they were my protection, my barrier against the world and all the little things out there that wanted to hurt me.

And yes, I am aware of the irony.  Trying to protect myself from emotional hurts big and small by giving myself lung cancer, throat cancer, emphysema, and ashtray breath.

I did manage to quit once during that period for an extended time.  During the late 80's I quit smoking for a total of 9 months. 

That year I drove by myself back to my home town.  It was the first time I had been back since my honeymoon, and the drive was to say a bit stressful. 

When I got to town I bought a pack of cigarettes, telling myself it would just be 1 pack, until I went to bed.  Then in the morning I had to finish the pack.  Then it was just the rest of the day, and I'd quit again.  Then it was finish the week of vacation.  And it was all over.

In truth, it was all over when I lit up the first one when I got to town.

When my current wife and I decided to get married I knew I had to quit, and this time for real.  So I went on the nicotine patches. 

When I was with my wife it was surprisingly easy to not smoke, as long as I had on the patch.  When she wasn't around it was too easy to cheat.  I finally had to admit to myself, I had to just quit, cold turkey, no more anything.

It was hard, the hardest thing I've ever done.  For a few months whenever I got stressed by even the littlest thing I would crave a smoke.  And knowing I couldn't give in, not even for 1 puff, made it even harder.  Like giant fingernails scraping across the blackboard of my soul.

But I made it.  I had a reason to quit that meant more to me than anything else, more than a lifetime of habit, more than four decades of chemical comfort.

Living a long and happy life with Gina.
 

 

Rechargeable Batteries

 

"Therapy to life: Eat with the wise, and drink with the fools!"

- Anthony Liccione

 

It says something about our culture, something rather sad, when people make themselves ill from stress from trying to relax.   

Trying to find ways to relax shouldn't be difficult, yet we spend thousands of dollars every year to be entertained.  By some estimates the average American spends $2,800 dollars a year on entertainment. Although I've know avid golfers who spend that much on monogrammed balls. 

Maybe we're a bit confused as to what "relax" means.  Like so many aspects of life in America we are assaulted by media telling us what to do, and worse yet, what to think.  We seem unable to filter the onslaught, to keep the information that benefits us, and reject the bold faced attempts to separate us from our money.

Do you need to spend money on a new pair of "yoga pants", and more money on a "yoga mat", and more money on "yoga music", and more money on a "yoga book", in order to achieve enlightenment?  Or even a nice nap?  

Certainly I would not suggest that you give away your possessions, quit your job, climb to the top of a mountain, and spend the rest of your days in meditation. Yet I also know you shouldn't have to take out a second mortgage to find a little peace in your life.

So where is the balance?  How do you find the way to recharge your emotional and spiritual batteries without giving yourself a stress induced ulcer in the process?

First and foremost keep this in mind.  The goal in relaxing is relaxation.  If what you are doing to relax is causing you stress, do this:

STOP DOING IT!

Okay, are we clear on that point?  Nothing complex, no deep philosophical revelations here.  What you see is what you get.

Do all your buddies swear that golf is the most relaxing sport in the universe, that it will help you unwind after a long week at work?  Do you hate the sport?  Do you look horrible in those funny shorts?

STOP DOING IT!

Good, now let's move on to more of a positive view of things.

While it is important to, as I mentioned, stop doing things that you don't enjoy it is also important to be open to trying new things.  Don't let anyone else's opinion sway you.  You are on a sacred journey to find your 'spiritual charger.'  What works or does not work for other people is not relevant. 

Are you a man who has thought knitting may be a great way to relax, and would like to make some really cool beer cozies?  But your friends all tell you it's too girlie?  Say that to former football player and two time Pro Bowler Roosevelt "Rosey" Grier.

Keep this in mind.  Even if you don't like what you tried perhaps it will get you one step closer to what you're really looking for.  As the Rolling Stones song says, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

In my case the desire to get some exercise and relaxation started me walking, which started my interest in photography, which is how I met my wife, who talked me into doing this blog.  So, if I hadn't decided to give walking as a way to relax a try we wouldn't be spending this time together.

As I mentioned earlier, it shouldn't cost you a lot of money to give something a try.  That doesn't mean you can't pour oodles of cash into a hobby once you've made it your primary reason for living. 

You can start out trying your hand at photography using a point-and-shoot camera costing less than a hundred dollars.  Then as time goes by you can prioritize your money to get that new DSLR camera, or the strobe lighting, or the 1000mm zoom lens.  But it won't be stressful because you'll know what you are getting, how important it is to what you do, and how to properly prioritize.

That $500 set of golf clubs that was used twice and now sits in the garage: stressful.  That $3,000 camera that gets used every day and brings one happiness: relaxing.

So always keep in mind, recharging your own batteries can start with something as simple as taking a deep breath and allowing yourself a few minutes of the ultimate luxuries in our modern world:

 

Peace, stillness, quiet.

The Melting Pot

 

"It is not a Buddhist approach to say that if everyone practiced Buddhism, the world would be a better place.  Wars and oppression begin from this kind of thinking"

- Sulak Sivaraksa, "Seeds of Peace"

 

America has often been called a melting pot, a country where everyone comes together and becomes one homogenous population.  Some times it takes a generation, but the children of immigrants will embrace "American" culture.  As Theodore Roosevelt once said, "In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans." 

 

That is, of course, nonsense.  The history of America is built on the stories of "hyphenated Americans,"  each bringing it's own culture to the mix.  America is held together by hyphens.  And duct tape.

 

Throughout our history there have been "waves" of immigrants from different countries, waves usually fueled by events in those far away lands.  One example is the waves of Irish immigrants in the mid 1800's. One and a half million men, women and children came to America from Ireland fleeing famine as well as economic and political oppression.   

 

Each wave met with resistance, and in many cases out right hostility, from those already here in America.  Many of those showing them that hostility were themselves immigrants or the children of immigrants. 

 

Like so much hatred in human history, the animosity shown the new comers was based on economic fear, and fueled by ignorance.  Each group forgot their own history all too soon, forgot that history on purpose, and allowed politicians to inflame their fears and manipulate them. 

 

Yet as Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Remember, remember always, that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionists."

 

The fear mongers proclaimed that the fill-in-the-blank who came here would ruin America.  They decried them as lazy, as thieves, drunks, whores, and insane. 

 

But the truth, as always, was a universe away from the rumors and propaganda.  People who gave up their homes, gave up belongings, gave up everything that was familiar to them, and moved to the other side of the world prove themselves to be the most courageous of us all.   Many came here with little more than the clothes on their backs, and made a risky voyage across a dangerous ocean to do so.

 

And with them they brought their culture.  Their foods, their music, their literature, and all their arts.  After they arrived they shared these talents with their neighbors when they could.  Sometimes it was a slow process, but it did happen.

 

And then the next generation is born and grows up.  And the children of the immigrants are more open to accepting the "American" culture. 

 

But by that time the culture has itself changed.  Just as the children of the immigrants have adapted to a new cultural norm, the cultural norm has adapted to changes in the population.  

 

Changes brought by the immigrants.

 

Part of what is seen as the adoption of the "American" culture by the newest generation is really nothing more than the acceptance of new technologies.  That acceptance is not unique to this country, it goes on all over the world at the same time.

 

So each generation moves further in time from their ancestral roots, they move further away from their parent's customs, manners, and values.  Really they are moving further away technologically as well as culturally.  And the culture itself is moving away from the past. 

 

But again, that's not a unique situation in the world.  Not today and not in the past.  Parents have always decried the way their children seem to turn their backs on their parent's world.   As author J. B. Priestley remarked, "Like it's politicians and it's wars, society has the teenagers it deserves."

 

It would be a mistake to see that as purely an immigrant issue.  Teenagers whose ancestors came from Italy 5 generations ago, or France 10 generations ago, embrace Anime, an art style that was born from Asian culture.

 

Yet if we do our job as parents and adults correctly we can instill in the children of America the flavor of their history and culture.  They may turn their backs on that heritage during the rebellious teen years, but they may return. 

 

Many cultural groups hold various festivals around the country to celebrate that heritage, to share it with their fellow Americans, and pass it on to their children.  Whether it is the CelebrAsian Festival, The Latino Heritage Festival, or Octoberfest the goals are the same.  The costumes and dances are a vehicle to pass on a heritage, and the pride that goes with it. 

 

Many of my ancestors come from The Netherlands, but I don't need to wear wooden shoes every day to feel the pride of that heritage.  Besides, they really hurt.

 

The real issue, the important thing to keep in mind, is that the analogy of the melting pot is not the most accurate metaphor.  In a meting pot the goal is complete homogeneity. 

 

But in this country we all bring our own culture and heritage to the common table.  And together we create that overall flavor that we call America, while at the same time maintaining the individual flavors of our ancestors.

 

We aren't living in a melting pot.  America is a pot of stew.

How Do You Mend A Broken Heart

 

"Smartass Disciple: Master, how do you heal the broken heart?

Master of Stupidity: It isn't a disease need to be healed. It's life."

- Toba Beta

 

Everyone over the age of 5 has had their heart broken in one way or another.  As the Tin Man said, "Now I know I've got a heart because it's breaking." 

 

The first time I remember having my heart broken was as a small child, perhaps 7 years old or so.  We had a cat named Dutch, a large cat with long snow white hair.  One day he didn't come home, and I was told that he got hit by a car while coming home from seeing his girlfriend.  That night I cried myself to sleep. 

 

Oddly the most recent loss that I suffered also involved a beloved pet, also a cat.  A few weeks ago we had to say goodbye to Eartha Kitty, who had been with me for some 17 years. 

 

However the two situations were very different.  In the case of Eartha she lived a very full, healthy, and hopefully happy life.  Also as an adult I should have been expected to handle the loss in a more mature manner.  I can't say that I cried myself to sleep, but I did do a lot of crying. 

 

As an adult, hopefully I have the emotional tools to handle these heartaches better.  Yet as an adult I have a fuller understanding of what happened.  When Dutch passed away all those years ago I'm sure it hurt at the time, but I must confess my memory is sketchy at best.  Within a day I was probably over my loss.

 

When we have a loss as an adult it takes much longer.  And can hurt much more deeply.

 

Research on the reactions of terminally ill patients by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has identified 5 distinct stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. According to some researchers and psychologists going through these 5 stages is necessary in order to process any type of loss in a healthy way. 

 

Other research has shown that these stages are not universal, and not required in order to achieve healthy closure.  Separate studies by George Bonanno and Yale University have shown that the 5 stages are not universal, are not required for a healthy closure of loss, and may actually be counter productive.

 

In the end every individual has to find their own way to cope with each situation.  Which still leaves us with the question, how do you mend a broken heart?

 

When someone suffers a physical injury the doctor will prescribe pain medicine to help ease the suffering.  While this is not a cure in itself, it can be a key element of healing.  The pain of the body needs to be eased to allow it to heal. 

 

So it is with a broken heart.  The pain the heart feels needs to be eased so the heart can heal itself.  And there are many ways the pain of a broken heart can be eased.

 

Chocolate is a good place to start.  And if it's dark chocolate it's rich in antioxidants, so it's really a health food.

 

Another sure pain killer for a wounded heart is a good laugh, such as going to a funny movie. 

 

Personally I'd stay away from any Woody Allen movie.  Cold war comedies like "Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb" are too dark, and the titles are too long.  Something on the whacky side, like "The God's Must Be Crazy II."  An Adam Sandler movie may result in the good, old fashioned belly laugh you need.

 

Or, if you're a man, any Three Stooges film. 

 

There are many unhealthy ways to deal with a broken heart.  Drug abuse, indiscriminate sex, and buying things like blankets with sleeves from late night TV.

 

How do you mend a broken heart?  Many people claim to have the answer, yet a one-size-fits-all fix will never bring the healing that's needed. 

 

No matter who you are, and no matter what loss you've suffered, there are people there to help.  You just have to look around and ask.  Remember they can help ease the pain, but they can't heal your heart for you. 

 

Everyone must find their own path.  That's the way a broken heart becomes a stronger heart.